The mystery has been solved. I found Diamondback Whiskey and tasted it. I learned all there is to know about it. Hell, I even have my own bottle now.
What happened is, after I found out Daniel Whittington was involved, I headed to Austin to see him. I don’t know if you readers know Daniel, but he’s got a wizard tower on a piece of property with a secret whiskey vault that’s behind a book case on the top floor. I’m totally fucking serious about this. It’s a real place. And he knows more about whiskey than anyone I know. World class whiskey expert. Even trains other people on how to be whiskey experts. They got ceremonies in the tower with fancy medallions and secret handshakes and music and all kinds of other stuff I don’t even know about.
Hey, what else are you gonna do in a wizard tower except wizardy shit that like?
Anyway, I shouted up to Daniel and he came out on this little balcony and looked down at me like the fucking Wizard of Oz. The last time I was there I got run off the goddam property by security but he opened up the door this time and let me in. And yeah verily I ascended unto the high places, unto the rarified upper levels of the tower. Not one, not two, but three stories I ascended with Daniel leading the way holding a little candle and farting every eight or nine steps just to fuck with me.
Right there in the sacred whiskey vault, in the holy of holies you might say, I saw a bottle of Diamondback. Sealed. There are only three 750ml bottles of Diamondback in existence and Daniel isn’t going to open his until he reviews Diamondback on his Youtube channel. The other two 750ml bottles and twenty 200ml flasks were gone. And that’s all there is. The guy who wrote the movie with Diamondback in it took them all so they can hand them out to the glitterati and fancy folks at film festivals and all that shit.
Which is a complete fucking waste as far as I’m concerned. What do those hollywood assholes know about whiskey anyway? Bunch of cocktail sipping, scotch-on-the-rocks ordering, fancy boys, you ask me.
But Daniel accidentally let the writer’s name slip. I don’t think he even realized he said it. And then I stole the writer’s number out of Daniel’s phone when he went to take a piss. It was easy too, cause he was gone a long time on account of he sometimes has trouble locating the fly in his wizard robe. Which is a common but relatively unknown problem for wizards. You can’t blame them, I guess, for not talking about it.
I called old Screenplay McGee that afternoon. And he remembered me from when I stumbled onto the set of his movie and ended up as an extra. He says the crew is still laughing about that. Then he invited me over to his house. Can you believe that shit? We sat right there at his kitchen table and drank Diamondback together like we were old friends.
So here’s the straight dope on this whiskey along with my thoughts after tasting some.
Diamondback was originally just a prop for the movie, but then Daniel and the writer guy decided to make it real. Diamondback is a custom blended whiskey. It’s not like those blends that come from a hundred barrels and they suck the life out of the spirit and end up with a boring, lobotomized whiskey that has no personality left. No. This is a blend of a select few, carefully chosen (And very fucking expensive by the way) whiskeys to create something new. They describe it as “Peat from Scotland. Venom from Texas.”
So what’s it like?
Well, dear readers, this shit is fucking awesome. That’s what it’s like. When you smell it, you definitely get that peaty aroma common to the Islay scotches we all love. But I’ll be damned if you don’t also smell caramel and vanilla like you would with a classic bourbon.
It’s just not like anything I’ve had before. When you taste it, your mouth spasms trying to keep track of the flavors rocketing around between your tongue and the back of your throat. Peat, vanilla, peat, caramel, then peat again at the end. And somehow Diamondback does not lose the distinctive elements of the whiskeys in the blend but instead trades them back and forth. Imagine a wrestling match between William Wallace and Uncle Sam right in your own damn mouth!
Oh my gawd, when you swallow it, the boosh is GREAT. It just explodes in your throat. I’m guessing the American whiskey is some badass cask strength bourbon cause it delivers a hearty ass kicking right at the end.
Look, I have to say this, even though it pains me. Daniel is a fucking genius with this custom blending stuff. He just is. Give the wizard his due.
So let’s talk about what matters. How can you get your hands on this stuff? Well, right now you can’t. There just isn’t enough of it. What I can tell you is there are some people involved who want to expand production beyond this first experimental batch.
Here’s what I’m going to do for you: I’ve kind of gotten friendly with the writer guy. We seem to have a lot in common. And he is DEFINITELY in the group that plans on making more Diamondback. So if there is ANY information on a wider distribution of this whiskey, you can bet I’ll find out. And I will post it here immediately.